Here’s a messed up thought I had recently, and the build-up to it.

When I was a shy, clueless pre-teen at around 11-12yrs, I had friends who would flirt with older boys and have all that romantic drama going on. Their lives seemed more grown-up and interesting.
I never had that. To be completely honest I wouldn’t have wanted it or known what to do with any type of romantic involvement until I was at least 17, but I did feel slightly different for having nothing like that going on. I was around, but almost as an invisible figure that shape shifts into a child when spoken to, and otherwise not of interest. I rarely even had a real crush. And when someone would mention or complain about getting cat-called, I was secretly jealous. Like, here’s an obvious sign of attention from someone, proof of attractiveness. I wanted to be noticed too but just wasn’t the type. Of course having grown up and experienced different types of compliments from strangers and friends I must say there’s a vast difference between a polite compliment that really makes your day, and a dehumanizing, rude gesture that leaves you feeling a burn in your soul like someone took a piece of your innocence without even trying.

So my colleagues were talking about cat-calling at dinner and how demeaning and gross it is, I thought about my experience. I thought about adding “but how messed up is it that when you’re younger it low-key feels like validation, like you enjoy that sense of being noticed, and it makes you feel attractive and wanted”.

But I didn’t say anything. As I considered addint to the conversation I recognized that this probably isn’t a common experience and I would only get a weird look and make it awkward. I still believe there’s an interesting nuance to be explored though. Some conversations don’t have space for nuance and there is only a right and wrong answer/opinion.

So I kept thinking about the topic, the psychology of a teenage girl, placing myself in my 12 year old self’s shoes. Can I even place myself in a 12 year old girl’s shoes today, that’s an individual shaped by completely different circumstances and influences, but perhaps we still share something of that in-between confusion. And I thought about how many annonymously might admit to enjoying a comment by a stranger or being chatted up (which of course is clearly measured by how attractive you find the person making the move). And is there a way to build up young women in other ways so they don’t feel they want that sexualised validation from men? So that they do feel seen, and beautiful without being objectified, or needing to place themselves in dangerous situations. Or perhaps I really am a minority in this?

There’s more questions eating at me too. Isn’t there a way to find a line between bothering someone/being creepy, and genuine compliment/chatting to someone on the street or on the train. My thing is I love meeting new people, reagrdless of gender or attractiveness, with really no ulterior motive other than hearing a new story. I am also very aware that while I don’t perceive strangers as potential victims, there are people that do and it is often UNSAFE for a young girl to speak to man 1:1 and I do not advise it! Witnessing to a man with a man as backup is ok.

So I am compulsively addicted to stories and looking at people as a whole individual rather than a swipe right or left. I like that human-to-human connection when you chat to someone and look them in the eyes, and lay brick by brick a bridge into their world. Sometimes, I have a peek and I quickly tiptoe right back to my side, but other times it’s captivating to step into a new perspective and linger a while. Sit down on a bench in their mind and see how life passes by.

I also have a slight hopeless-romantic aspect to my personality so I do low-key hope that some dashing stranger will bump into me and we’ll go on a beautiful adventure a-la Before Sunrise. That is all to say, nuance.

But I think most, if not all my girl-friends think anyone who says Hi on the street is a creep and should leave them alone. I had a few occasions when I nearly said yes to a date to a stranger, but when I told my friends they were thought I should absolutely NOT. So I wonder now, is the risk worth the reward and are people to be trusted at all, and do they perhaps become slightly less trustworthy with each rejection and sign of continual mistrust. Side-note: Again, I’m not saying go be reckless and stupid etc, I’ve seen the Ted Bundy tapes! Be safe out there.. I don’t even mean saying yes to anything romantic. Just purely giving the gift of human connection, a listening ear, a friend. Community is incredibly important and I’m very aware that many people have no one. That’s a scary place to be. I want to alleviate this pain of loneliness somehow.

So anyway, that’s the messed up tangle of thoughts and the many questions in my head connected by spider web threads. And my confession, occasionally a cat-call still makes me smile with confidence.