bursting bubbles

In our day and society I find that our worldview is created by the media – that’s no secret of course. I just wanted to give a warning. Thoughts, opinions and morals are strongly influenced, if not entirely created by what you perceive and this can lead to some dire complications.
There’s some real bull***t being preached out there.
Think about things, always, question what you see and hear.

And so please, please teach your kids morals and right from wrong before letting them watch whatever’s on TV.

On that note, also don’t raise your children in a Christian bubble – solely bible stories and ignorance about the outside world and all in it. Rather introduce them to it and educate them, speak with them, answer their questions, don’t just brush those aside, because if you don’t teach them someone else will. Challenge them.

It’s perfectly fine and I think healthy, to let them watch Harry Potter (etc)  for example – yes it features wizards and magic but do you think it will have them tempted to play with the occult? Honestly? Not if you have taught them well and if they truly know Jesus they won’t be. Watch it with them!

It can teach them some good and valuable life lessons like friendship, fighting for what’s right, etc. Their imagination will also develop. Also, c’mon, it’s pop culture. They will need to be able to participate in discussions and understand references.Otherwise they will always feel left out of the group.

Childhood forms so much of one’s personality, even throughout adulthood and it’s bewildering  that parents are so careless anyway.

P.S. It’s ok to disagree with a movie, or a character in a book, etc. Some are even there exactly to make us question our ideas and thoughts and that’s alright. That’s quality, consider those, but don’t feel like it’s necessarily the right thing.

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the heart of evangelism – as I see it

You know the feeling when you found a song that you instantly fell in love with, the one that spoke to you personally and touched your heart. Listening to it is like a spiritual experience, so intimate you don’t want to share it with anybody. Just you and the song.

It went something like that for me.
Except I was changed by it, in that I was overcome by love, love for everyone. I literally felt it in my stomach. And it was because of that love that I (tried) to tell everyone, my family, my friends, people I had just met..

Of course, being a new Christian I didn’t have the right words, I didn’t even have any doctrinal knowledge. I just knew that I had found something real,  that I was changed and I couldn’t even describe it. I loved people like I never had before and that’s why I wanted to share with them that intimate and indescribable experience I had had. I wanted them to have it too.

That’s what Jesus is for me, that’s why I want to encourage you to explore Him. So please don’t make evangelism about Bible-bashing people into faith or telling them they’re going to Hell. It’s Jesus who will draw them to Himself, with love and grace and mercy.

Do i want children?

I’ve been thinking, but my answer changes every time a different person asks, so lemme think on “paper”.

Why say yes:
Because selfishly, I do want to have my own flesh and blood, a product of my love and that of my future husband, brought into existance. I want the experience of giving birth to life.
I feel like I can be an amazing mom, if I don’t have a time consuming job. I would devote my kid so much time, teach him/her all I know, really listen and be a friend. He/she would be funny, we would prank and laugh and art and learn together.

Why say no:
Because I don’t really want to bring a person into this world. I mean have you seen the news? It’s mostly horrible and depressing and dangerous.
Also, my inner feeling that I will live a short life, spent maybe in mission work in difficult places. If I get married and have a kid it would be so much harder for me to face death. I don’t mind dying, but seeing my loved ones die, that would break me.
And least of all, the physical pain of childbirth is a little scary and I’m not particularly looking forward to this part (heh).

Honestly, I live knowing, somehow, that I will not stay here very long, so I try not to think about me as the housewife dream – with a family and a nice house my hubby and I decorated together with memories – it’s one of the outcomes I’ve considered and I can see me being happy with it.
Again with my duality.. I honestly don’t know the path God will lead me on, but I’m ready to follow. (P.S.) I wonder… could it be I have this duality because God wants me to be flexible, like, be ready for whatever, easy adaptable. I can see logic in that, but I don’t really know.. just a thought.

changes

Lying in bed now I can hardly believe what a difference a year has made. I know people who wouldn’t recognize me if we spoke today on the street. Imagine this: short girl, long dark hair, looking down to my feet, body language saying “I’m uncomfortable and just want to go home”. This was me in 10-11th grade. Yes, it was a period when I was most struggling with depression and anxiety, but compare it to this girl: short blonde hair, smiling, generally looking pretty chill and happy, wears a dress and looks comfy in it, enjoys the company of her friends.

I realize why some things were – for example: I used to be more shy, quiet, introverted, patient and now I find I don’t really identify with any of these words. The one I want to focus on for this post is how I became less patient.
In the past years I have experienced more, learned more, learned to think more critically and analytically, met people from around the world, formed opinions and a wider worldview. I think I was patient and quiet because 1) I didn’t care about anything/anyone but me, leading to 2) I didn’t know much of the world, leading to 3) I didn’t really have opinions.

Truth is, in the beginning to my metamorphosis I almost faked opinions – I would copy someone else’s answer, say whatever I knew about the issue. It’s like adulthood in general – you can get away with saying a lot of bullshit, as long as you look confident people won’t usually question it.

I have basically become a more interesting person. I have grown in my faith. I have opinions, things I am passionate about. My knowledge database is expanding. I have learned how to express myself. I walk with more confidence in my step and am much more fearless and curious.

a dip in the pool of online dating

To begin with, my expectations were low from the start. I did not believe I would find someone interesting аnd mostly decided on this experiment to maybe understand this culture better. I also saw a cute romantic comedy recently, so there’s that..
I tried HotorNot, Tinder and OkCupid, in that order.I will not go into detail, but I want to just share my general impression.

Some people search for love – true love, romance and eventually a family. Others are mostly interested in casual sex, these are not necessarily the individuals who send photos of their “junk”.
In HotorNot I matched with maybe 100 guys. Roughly 8% of them messaged me. Fair enough, I’m not exactly a beauty queen, but I’d message me if I were a guy. However plenty of “undesirables” did message me. There was literally nothing about them that attracted me, so no replies were given. Sorry.

At one point I had to remind myself that these are actual people. As I was scrolling through probably over a 100 different guys’ photos at 1am I realized they had all become almost made up to me, I saw them as photos and nothing more. I was judging them solely on their appearance, knowing literally nothing else about their person. How screwed up is that. After that I tried to imagine a date with each one, how they would look, where they would take me, their manners and topics of choosing, etc.  Either way, the longest conversation with I match I had there lasted about 5 days of on-off chatting. Meh.

Then on Tinder I purposely wrote funny descriptions, puns etc. Again, the messages I received were mostly generic and the conversations soon were exhausted and eventually died. Some trends I saw on guys’ profiles: photos with 1) pets, 2)babies, 3)girls, 4) shirtless or 5) ALL of the above.   What I gathered from the experience is that the app has grown into the purpose of finding a hook-up rather than actual “true love”relationship. ANd OH LARD, the awkward moment when I kept seeing a guy I know and didn’t exactly want to swipe right, but I was also super curious if he swiped right, so I kept closing the app whenever his profile showed up and I never did find out what he swiped. heh.

On OkCupid I liked the option to answer questions and find matches based on those. What I enjoyed about this most was that the questions would make me think, what do I think about -, or how would I react if – ..etc. Had some nice coversations, which without fail, would bore me at one point, plus I was already quite tired of “meeting” so many people, telling them the same stuff about myself again and again, and who would never really engage in my creative ways to talk, or just be terribly boring with it; “and then what”..
I got a match of 98%. I met him. 0% chemistry.

In the end I learned that I am no good for that kind of dating. The main reason – the virtual dating world is very fast paced. You have to impress visually, put effort into making your profile creative, funny, just different in some way, and even then there’s no guarantee, as the pool is big and there is plenty of fish in the sea. The line of thought is “he’s fine, but surely there’s someone funnier, more interesting, cuter” etc, so you keep talking to 5 different guys you’re pretty sure aren’t right for you. Largely I’d say it was a waste of time. Me – I’m more like a beard that slowly grows on you  and at first it’s  kinda patchy and annoying, but with time you get used to it and begin to like it – gradually.
The truth is, after the experiment I still don’t feel like I understand the online dating culture, or men any better, so do comment and tell me your experiences or thoughts.

Yesnomaybe

When I stumbled upon this song I was dating someone slightly younger than me.

It started around the time I was preparing to leave the country for God knows how long.
I wasn’t sure about us. Logically we made a perfect couple, he was a really good guy, so I said yes. However in the back of my mind I think I always knew I wasn’t going to give as much as he was willing to, he wasn’t exciting me as I wish he did, as theoretically he should have. So then I said no.
In the end, we both decided on maybe; Maybe we can make it later on in life. (Maybe some time away from me will do you good and you’ll forget about me.
Maybe, so that I don’t break your heart. Again.)