I messed up.
I don’t mean to be preachy – I know how it is, you hear someone say it and think well that’s a bit excessive, I wouldn’t do that ever, nothing can tempt me.
But please hear me when I say pride surely goes before destruction (Pr 16:18)
Do you think you’re invincible? You’re not, I assure you.
That’s the biggest mistake I ever made.
To think I was a strong, smart, mature Christian and nothing could trip me.
I’d even find myself getting frustrated at Christians who were weak and imperfect, and while I didn’t think I was perfect either I certainly thought of myself as pretty secure – I was bringing good fruit, trying to improve always and seeking God honestly.
Basically I went out looking for a challenge, new continent, working and adventuring where “I’m stepping into the unknown, fully reliant on God alone”. That was my prayer, my plan. Doesn’t it sound so good?
What I miscalculated was my character.
In the experiement where you brew eggs, potato and coffee, I thought I was/would be coffee, but when tested I showed different colours. *
I never before had any trouble keeping celibate, (mostly) in mind as well as physically; I never met anyone who made me question my decision and my morals, and not being particularly attractive I didn’t have much chance to slip either, so I assumed I was safe.
Then I hit 21 – guys started giving me some attention, moved away for a time, struggled with my work environment. Prayed but all I got? A resounding silence.
And what do I do; seek God more, persevere, be built into patience and trust?
Nah, like on autopilot, when I got disappointed time after time I stopped trying to communicate with God, and found comfort in people instead. How silly?!
I stopped attempting quiet time – not on purpose, I just fell out of habit – as nothing was happening and wasn’t feeling God’s presence at all. A distance was created.
Then Ifound myself making some risky and uncomfortable choices for one reason or another. I was spoken to like never before, like I was fascinating and gorgeous and desired. Some new sensations came to view. I got curious.. And the rest is history.
If that’s not bad enough just wait.
He was married with kids, whom I’ve met, as terrible as that sounds.
Think that’s it?
I slipped again not long afterwards, with another guy whom I allowed to lose more of myself in search of pleasant sensations.
They both took me so unexpectedly – not particularly attractive men, but it was the way they touched me and spoke to me that made me fall into the blinding lies of the enemy!
I kid you not when I say I DON’T UNDERSTAND how my impulses took over my clear mind.
It’s hard even being at church pretending to be all dandy, talking to my old friends when they ask me about my experience over there. Now I feel a great pull away from my Father. The harder I try to get out of my mess and break these ‘soul ties’ that seem to bind me, the more I fail, unable to move, lifeless – how could I approach God again and read His word without feeling the uttermost emptiness and shame, how could I look at Him, when I can’t even bring myself to confess to another living soul?
I don’t want to make this about myself either, but it’s messing me up so I’m putting it out there, as a way to come to terms with it, let go, and warn you, reader. Whatever you think you’ll never be tempted in – you’re wrong, never let your guard down and keep your focus on GOD. Please be watchful and vigilant, prayerful and grateful always.
Believe me when I say nothing compares to the joy of being soaked in God’s presence. I absolutely mean it.
Now I struggle with lust, regret, self condemnation and depression. I know some lessons are difficult to learn unless you suffer from experience, I still believe this. However I now know that even if I don’t understand, it is still good for me to obey biblical advice, and trust it’s there for a reason.
Keep the door locked until it’s time, because the consequences are not worth this unbearable weight that demands to be carried afterwards.
PS I found this short message from John Piper insanely helpful in my spiritual fight.