Do i want children?

I’ve been thinking, but my answer changes every time a different person asks, so lemme think on “paper”.

Why say yes:
Because selfishly, I do want to have my own flesh and blood, a product of my love and that of my future husband, brought into existance. I want the experience of giving birth to life.
I feel like I can be an amazing mom, if I don’t have a time consuming job. I would devote my kid so much time, teach him/her all I know, really listen and be a friend. He/she would be funny, we would prank and laugh and art and learn together.

Why say no:
Because I don’t really want to bring a person into this world. I mean have you seen the news? It’s mostly horrible and depressing and dangerous.
Also, my inner feeling that I will live a short life, spent maybe in mission work in difficult places. If I get married and have a kid it would be so much harder for me to face death. I don’t mind dying, but seeing my loved ones die, that would break me.
And least of all, the physical pain of childbirth is a little scary and I’m not particularly looking forward to this part (heh).

Honestly, I live knowing, somehow, that I will not stay here very long, so I try not to think about me as the housewife dream – with a family and a nice house my hubby and I decorated together with memories – it’s one of the outcomes I’ve considered and I can see me being happy with it.
Again with my duality.. I honestly don’t know the path God will lead me on, but I’m ready to follow. (P.S.) I wonder… could it be I have this duality because God wants me to be flexible, like, be ready for whatever, easy adaptable. I can see logic in that, but I don’t really know.. just a thought.

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